When I served a LDS mission, I was called to serve in the Chile Santiago North Mission. I was super pumped and ready to serve our Heavenly Father. In the MTC, roughly around a week before I was to depart for Chile, I collided with another missionary in basketball that flipped my whole world upside down. My arm and leg went numb and I was in extreme pain in my back. We decided to do an MRI and we discovered that I had two herniated discs in my back that were pinching off nerves. The MTC doctor decided that I needed to go back home (which was only 15 minutes away from the MTC) and recover. There was no way, with my condition, that I could serve a mission–especially in Chile. This was very hard for me to grasp because I knew that the Lord knew where my heart was. I spent my whole life preparing for a mission. I could not wait to teach the people of Chile. When the decision was made to send me home, I was utterly baffled. Why would Heavenly Father send me home when he knew I was eager to serve?
With about 3 days left before I left for South America, my parents came to pick me up. Mission Medical wanted me to attend a physical therapist and work as hard I as I possibly could so that I could get out and serve the Lord as soon as possible. I was so eager to get back out there so I did everything that I possibly could to make sure that happened. After 3 months, I wasn't making any progress and started to become very discouraged. I feel like Satan knew that this was the perfect opportunity to really get inside my head. I started to believe that I was not good enough to serve a mission and that I will never heal from my injury. I became depressed and tried to hide it from my friends and family.
I started to do physical therapy with no optimism, no hope, and really no motivation to get better. Of course, I did everything I was supposed to physically and worked really hard; but mentally, I was struggling. After a year, my Stake President asked me to meet with him and he said, "Steven, we know you are working really hard but we cannot send you back out on a mission. It would be too hard for you, your mission president, and your companions. Even though your mission was only 8 weeks and 4 days long, we want you to know that you served an honorable mission." By this point, I didn't know if I was disappointed or relieved. My mind had gone through such a mental and spiritual tole that I did not know what to think. Yes, I was sad that I could not serve a mission, but I was also somewhat relieved because I felt like I could finally move on with my life and not worry so much. Oh, was I wrong.
After a short time, I decided to move up to Rexburg, Idaho and attend BYU-I. By this time, my back started to feel great and I felt like it wasn't a huge burden on me. I had attended about two semesters when I had this feeling that I needed to defer a semester and go back to Orem, Utah and live with my parents and work. I did not know why. After about a month of staying home, I was watching television and got up to go to the bathroom. Right when I got up, I immediately and spontaneously lost all feeling and functionality in my legs. I fell right back onto the couch. From my waste down I was completely paralyzed. Because this happened once before in my past (but not as severely), I decided to wait an hour or two to see if my feeling would come back. To my disappointment, nothing came back and I decided to call my parents two stories above me on my phone. They rushed down and my dad gave me a Priesthood blessing. Because my legs came back in the past after awhile, we all agreed that we would wait to see if my functionality would come back. A day went by and nothing had changed.
Finally, on May 22, 2013, I woke up with the worst pain I had ever experienced in my entire life. Not in my back; but in my bladder. I was screaming and moaning. I can't really explain what I felt in words. Well, we rushed me to the hospital and the emergency staff immediately gave me lortab but that did absolutely nothing. Then they IV'd me morphine, but that did nothing as well. Then they gave me dilaudid (pain killer for a pregnant women going through labor) and that did nothing except make me nauseous and dizzy. I feel terrible about it now, but I was actually yelling at the nurses and doctors around me to solve the issue "NOW!" They decided to do a CT scan and discovered that I had 1500ml of urine in my bladder. To put this into perspective, they said the average person starts to dance uncomfortably at 300ml. I had five times that amount in my bladder. With this new set of information, the doctor put in a catheter and I instantly felt relief. We realized then that because my whole lower body was completely shut down, my bladder had a day and a half's worth of urine inside.
After all of the chaos had died down, the ER doctor wanted an MRI done immediately. Following the MRI, my parents and I were waiting back in my emergency room. All of a sudden, my soon-to-be neurosurgeon rushed into the room and said, "Steven, I have two surgery appointments before you but I am bumping those back because I want you in there as soon as possible because you are minutes away from permanent paralysis!" To make a long story short, he fused my spine together and pulled out two large fragments out of my spine that looked like the size of a 2-dimensional egg. I stayed in the hospital for four, long weeks. A nurse had to come in every 4 hours to stick a catheter in to relieve my bladder.
Once I was cleared to go home, I had to lay in bed for four months. The only physical activity I had was an assisted walk from my mother once a day down the block and back. Everyday I had to self-cath every four hours because my body did not know how to go to the bathroom, still. This was one of the worst parts of my whole recovery. There is nothing worse, besides mushrooms, than having to self-cath. After the four months were over, my body learned how to go to the bathroom again (even though my urologist told be I would never be able to again) and I was cleared to start physical therapy. Within two months, my body had miraculously improved and I felt like I was my normal self again. All of my doctors were absolutely amazed with all the progress I made in such short amount of time. I literally felt like I was eighteen years old again. I was cleared after two months of physical therapy by my neurosurgeon to play basketball again.
This was a huge thing for me. During the total of six months of recovery, I was so discouraged and depressed because I was worried that I would never be able to do all the things that I love ever again. All I did for four months straight was sleep, eat, cath, stare at the ceiling, and watch Netflix. Even though there were miracles all around me, I doubted my God and I doubted myself. I became very depressed because Satan discovered how idle my mind was and he began to feed thoughts of incompetence, uselessness, and loneliness into my mind. But because I was finally cleared to do whatever I want again, I felt like those thoughts would finally go away. I was wrong.
One thing that has stayed with me ever since the surgery is a thing called Cauda Equina Syndrome. One's cauda equina (which means horse tail in latin) is in charge of all the nerves near your tailbone. Cauda Equina Syndrome affects the bowel and bladder. To this day, I do not have complete control over these two organs. There have been times in the past where I would be talking to someone and they would say, "Look down." Not having full control over these organs has created a whole new mind game for me. I became afraid to be in large groups because I worried that I would have an accident. Sometimes I could not go to church because of this issue. I have tried attending school for multiple semesters just to find that I cannot finish the semester due to this problem. My grades do not prove what I am truly capable of. I have medically deferred from college multiple times, but sometimes my mind prevents me from communicating with my professors soon enough due to embarrassment and I end the semester with absolutely terrible grades.
Recently, I have discovered that I am allergic to chocolate, corn, dairy, and potatoes. The reason I say this is because we are starting to realize that these allergies–especially corn–affect my Cauda Equina Syndrome significantly. Because of this, I used to have multiple accidents a day. I became extremely anxious and was afraid to attend class because of this. My wife is a true sweetheart. She has been extremely patient with me and is trying everything that she can to help me. I love her so much and am super grateful for all her love and help.
Now, I cannot say that my life these past few years have only been gloomy and depressing with no hope in sight. I write this today because I want people to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The greatest blessing I have ever experienced is meeting and marrying my sweet wife, Mary. I don't think I would have met her if it wasn't for my injury. If it wasn't for my injury, I probably would have moved back up to Rexburg, Idaho. Instead, I lived in Provo, Utah with my friends where I was able to meet her through basketball and other activities. We were married and sealed in the Payson Utah Temple on November 19, 2016. She too has gone through extremely hard trials in her life including Lyme disease, autoimmune disease, gluten intolerance, and more. However, I have never seen someone with so much faith in her Savior. Yes, she has days where she feels like giving up; but she is quick to remember that her Heavenly Father loves her and has a plan for her and each of His children. She has been inspiring to me to never give up.
Meeting my lovely wife may be the best thing that has ever happened to me, but the list does not end there. Through past experiences and occupations, I have been able to meet other people that are experiencing very difficult trials as well. I have been blessed to talk to people with similar situations. I have had the chance to meet people with spina bifida, amputations, various forms of meningitis, and fibromyalgia. Of course, the list does not end there. Even though many of these people are struggling with all sorts of hardships, I learned that many of them do not give up. They do not give up. DO NOT GIVE UP! I will be forever grateful for having the opportunity to talk to these strong people and learn their story. Because of them I am definitely stronger. I will be eternally grateful for all of the people that have helped me in my life. My parents will always be listed as the number one for support, love, and patience. They have seen me through every step of the way and I cannot imagine what they must have felt seeing their boy go through so much. They are the reason I am who I am today.
I want people to know that our Heavenly Father does love us. Yes, it is extremely hard to go through such trials and find it easy to believe that life will eventually be wonderful again or that there is a God that loves us. I have been there. However, as we go through hard times, we are never ever alone. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, died not only for our sins; but He died and suffered for our pains and afflictions as well. He knows everything I have gone through. There is no one on this earth that will ever experience what I have ever felt except for Him. He understands and wants to be there every step of the way. He knows what it's like to be depressed. He knows what it is like to be anxious. He knows what it feels like to have 1500ml in the bladder. He understands how taxing Lyme disease can be on a person. Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want us to be the very best we can possibly be. The only way we can learn true happiness is by experiencing hardship and tribulation.
I am sure everyone is wondering what these cartoons are all about and why they are interrupting me pour out my heart and soul. These cartoons have quite a lot of sentimental value to me. As I rested on my bed each day recovering, I decided to begin a series of cartoons. These compositions helped me get through each day as I struggled to discover the meaning of my trials. I hope that they will give someone else, who may be going through a rough time, a chuckle or two as they did for me. I appreciate you taking the time to hear everything I had to say and I hope my words have helped you in some way. If there is one thing I hope you take from this, I want you to remember that there is a God that loves each and every single one of His children. He does not abandon us; but waits for us to come to Him. DO NOT GIVE UP!
